Where is my joy?
CMS missionaries Andrew and Margie Newman serve at a Bible College in the Church of Uganda. In this personal reflection, Margie speaks of how she maintains courage in the face of difficult circumstances and relationships.
‘The Lord is teaching me to preach to myself. He is helping me to replace fearful thoughts with purposeful reflection on his character revealed in his Word.’
It seems that all it takes is an anxious dream, another story of a clergyman who preys on his congregation, another delay in the licencing process at our Bible college, or another day of things not going to plan, and I feel like running away and back to my granddaughters and family!
When we discovered that a dear Christian brother whom we trusted and loved dearly for many years, was actually lost in all sorts of sinful behaviour, hypocrisy, lies and manipulation to progress himself above others, I became disillusioned and fearful.
A shaken faith
I found myself understanding on a deeper level Moses as he tells the Lord he can’t speak because he has a speech impediment (Exodus 4:10). Gideon who was fearful even in the face of God’s call on him to topple the Baal (Judges 6:25-27) —and other anxious Bible heroes. So I think: maybe I’m not the right person to be here. Maybe I can’t persevere through the shocks and disillusionment. Maybe I’m not brave enough to face the tough times.
In one of our recent prayer letters I included an excerpt from my journal.
I wrote then:
- What if we fail?
- Someone else who is far more capable should be here, not us.
- I’m a hopeless missionary/Christian. Look at all my doubting, my fears, my despairing, my complaining.
- Where is my joy in the Lord?
- Will God let/cause us to fail?
My core reaction in all of this was fear.
Fear threatened to overcome me. I could not stop thinking about the negative possibilities. I cut God out of my thinking. I was robbed of any peace or joy in the knowledge that our God has his perfect timing and that he is a good God.
Why so fearful?
Here in Uganda, we have seen like never before how the Lord answers prayer. Maybe we pray more because we feel so much more the need to be reliant on him and know his faithfulness. Why then, was I so fearful?
When I stand back and look at myself, I am reminded of the Israelites who, despite witnessing such a powerful God in action, wanted to go back to Egypt as they constantly lost confidence that the Lord had their best interests at heart. He had shown his power in his deliverance of his people from slavery. He had shown his love as he called them out of slavery to be his chosen people. By the same token, how could I forget the power of Jesus to deliver me from my slavery to sin and the love of Jesus who has called me out of darkness and into his wonderful light? (see Ephesians 5:8).
“Preach to yourself”
John Piper has been very helpful to me. He says, “Preach to yourself.”1 Cultivate joy.
The Lord is teaching me to preach to myself. He is helping me replace fearful thoughts with purposeful reflection on his character revealed in his Word. He is teaching me to find ways to thank him and to value my daily times with him. These things replace the fear.
Fear is real and comes on us unexpectedly. One day is fine. The next is full of fear. The circumstances are the same, but my perspective changes.
I still struggle with fear. But I know that if I keep the Lord and his unfailing love for me in Jesus at the centre, the fear and darkness does not overcome. Whether we fail or succeed, the Lord will use the result for good in his unfailing purpose of declaring his saving love to this world.
A Psalmist preaches to himself
I love Psalm 73. In it, Asaph (the psalmist) has an embittered, disillusioned soul. It’s a very dark Psalm until verse 23, when Asaph begins to preach to himself: “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.” (Psalm 73:23)
He is not alone! God guides Asaph and shows him that God is the one who satisfies completely.
Having preached to himself, the Psalmist then makes this declaration: “My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26) And again, “… as for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, I will tell of all your deeds.” (Psalm 73:28)
Asaph declares these things out loud. He preaches to himself, reminds himself, and avails himself of God’s strength in and through the declaration of God’s character.
As I read the Psalm, my eyes are lifted from my fear to God’s truths and God’s character. There are so many examples in Scripture of God’s faithfulness to his people, and his saving power. Actually, that’s the whole story of the entire Bible!
And so, to prayer
I need to say to the Lord, “Let me not forget you, and the underlying joy in serving you in your strength, despite my weaknesses. Help me to purposefully and regularly thank you. Help me to lift my eyes from the muddy mess here on the ground. Be my strength and help me declare that it is good to be near you. Lord, help me to preach your truths to my fickle, weak heart. Thank you for being so gracious to me and for never giving up on me. May I fix my eyes on Jesus, on your truths, your character, your saving purposes in this world—and on the joy there is in serving you and in knowing your greatness more and more.”
It feels helpful to say these things out loud. As I pray these things, courage begins to increase, and fear begins to decrease.
PRAY
Read Psalm 73 and use it to inspire your prayers for yourself and for CMS missionaries facing daily challenges.
